I’m really interested to know how many others do manage some time alone with their partners? I mean quality time, not to discuss home management issues. While it’s true most parents lead hectic lives with few opportunities to just sit or be together, for parents of additional/special needs kids however, it can be even tougher. Even for a brief diversion.
Invariably alone time and couple time lose out if not prioritised. After quite a few years of ‘head down, man your stations’ and a work schedule that keeps us apart often, my husband and I have learnt if we don’t insist on making it happen, it simply doesn’t.
Statistics for marriage survival of parents of special needs children can be sobering. More than one psychologist has reminded us of this and also complimented us on our ongoing commitment to each other- especially through the bumps. It’s not only important for our wellbeing, it benefits the kids as well. It doesn’t hurt them to be shown they are not always the centre of the universe and it’s an important circuit-breaker that keeps us all together in the longer term.
Oh My! For our latest trick: we are out, at night, no kids!
If you’re in a long term relationship and you care about one another, I feel strongly it’s something to consider, however complicated. Parents of special needs kids even more so- we need to keep functioning as a team, to prevent falling into the “every man for himself” groove. We’ve been there for years at a stretch. When our boy was small this was all new to us and my husband was travelling overseas for work. We simply weren’t capable of anything more. Parents like us can be in danger of burnout, so we need to look out for each other too.
The Catch 22 here is that because babysitters are not easy for us to find (how many people would we feel confident leaving our kids with, or afford?) Therefore if anyone, it’s usually the same couple of people such as grandparents that we call upon. It can feel uncomfortable. But it is necessary.
Here are some of our ideas:
10-15 minutes: We love the newspaper quiz. We do it whenever we can. It used to be just the weekend papers but now with the paper on iPad we can do them any day. It gets us working together at something we enjoy- it’s fun, competitive and focuses our minds exclusively on something positive for ten to fifteen minutes.
30mins-2hours: We record or download fun shows or movies to watch together later- hopefully uninterrupted, or at the very least pause-and-rewindable. Yes, my husband usually falls asleep but recently The Voice was able to keep him nicely alert!
An Evening: As I dislike requesting favours, here’s an inspiration I came up with. A few years ago when I looked back and realised we weren’t enjoying any together-time any more- I bought us a present. For our 10th Anniversary, I purchased Friday night season tickets to musicals. It’s our annual tradition now and prepaid, so we make an effort even when tired. There are three productions a year and we are able to book our grandmas for overnight months in advance. They pop it on their calendars and the discomfort of asking multiple favours is taken care of. If we can, we swing a dinner beforehand too. I admit the quiet next morning is often the best part of all! We get to wake up calm a guaranteed three times a year. We look at each other over coffee, hot breakfast and a paper and think “Hey- I remember this! I remember you!” It’s medicine for the soul.
Do you do something particular to ensure some couple time in your relationship?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
With no family support and a workaholic husband, couple time has been non-existent. A few months ago we had forced couple time due to a school function (a friend babysit) and realised we no longer had anything to say to each other. We are now in the process of separating after 10 very long years of being desperate for some support and understanding. I once tried to explain the situation to a child and family nurse about why I couldn’t attend parenting workshops (9-4 when school is 9-3) and her response was that she works with children with (physical) disabilities whose parents really struggle so she has a ‘different’ perspective. That was particularly distressing for me – not only was I feeling unsupported, I had been made to feel I didn’t deserve any support. Just asking for help is sometimes more of a struggle than most people realise.
Really sorry to hear this Lauren. Everybody who needs support deserves to have it and yes, asking can be difficult but it’s something we all need to do at times. Thank you for sharing your story here with us.
This next week after a lot of work we are heading to sydney for 5 days. Grandparents do save our sanity and I’m very excited – but it will be a team effort with grandparents, big sister, aunts and uncles and cousins! I am more grateful then you could ever know!
Great post Twitchy.
It is SO hard. Our only alone time is when the kids are all asleep, and with the supertrucker away half the week that doesn’t leave a whole lot. Now that we aren’t living close to family who can help out we really need to priorities our relationship a lot more.
hmmmmm, dont even ask.
Monday just passed we had a day together, no kids.
It involved running round at shops, taking a car for a test drive and just when I thought we may have an hour downtime the accountant rings and there went that moment of time.
The best time for us to have a conversation is at 5.30am just before he goes to work. We usually fall into bed at the same time as the kids of a night.
But I do know we need more us time. Just finding it is the task
I think the most important thing is that you both want to, and keep trying! Good luck
I’ve struggled with this. No family here, friends busy with their own families, etc. what we have taken to doing is meeting for lunch occasionally.
We only have the grandparents on my husband’s side. Once a month we ask them to entertain Curly so that we can go on a proper date.
At other times, we download and watch a movie together or have a platter of nibblies after Curly goes to bed.
(I don’t like saying “can you babysit”… so we say “would you like some grandparents time with Curly this weekend?” That way we don’t feel guilty about doing this too often.)
I LOVE your rephrasing! Inspired! Genius! Thank you for sharing that wisdom. Nuance makes all the difference (for all concerned).
It is hard isn’t it? We are in the same position of only having grandparents to ask for help and with my parents away travelling it falls upon my husband’s parents more and more which is unfair on them. I would love to find someone who could have the confidence to handle the kids and the rapport with them to make it work but it’s quite frankly too hard to organise. We need to do something more though as my husband and I have only had 2 short outings by ourselves this year which really isn’t enough to nourish a relationship. Fingers crossed we’ll get away for a weekend later this year for our 12th wedding anniversary – that would be heaven!
The past 2 years have been the first time I’ve really had to deal with this side of parenting special children. Thankfully my partner and I are on the same page and we get to have a lot of laughs! Don’t ever let a chance go by, right?
Glad you’re getting your time when you can! xxXOoo
I love the gift idea, that is sheer brilliance.