Recently my Miss5.5 excitedly came home with her invitation to a classmate’s birthday party. Local girls know this venue, it’s dedicated to them in particular. We’d been before for a craft party and loved it. The shop is pretty, colourful, inviting and fun looking and we looked forward to going again.
The girls were rounded up and directed upstairs for musical games. The sound system blasted the room. Lights were dimmed and flashing coloured lights revolved around the walls, reflecting off a disco ball. My girl braced herself against the doorway and refused to go inside.
While neurotypical, with a big brother on the spectrum my girl hasn’t gotten off completely. We’ve seen anxiety in new social settings but also particularly sensitive hearing. At odds with her big personality and joyful anticipation- whenever at new/ crowded/ or noisy places she can cling desperately to me, or hide under tables, sometimes with her hands over her ears. Sound familiar?
Image from here
I had planned to drop her off but under the circumstances of course I couldn’t. She never settled, refused to (literally) let me go. Looking on forlornly from the doorway as everyone else had their face painted, I tried to encourage her. Nothing worked. No other children seemed perturbed, though they did notice their friend acting in a way they’d never seen at school. A couple of sweet friends tried unsuccessfully to include her. Another couple looked perplexed and asked what she was doing- making it more excruciating for her in front of her peers.
I took her for a walk down the street. I tried to comfort her and told her to look forward to the craft part. On our return, we found we were locked out. Organisers were setting up the party table at the back of the shop. When they did let us in again I asked about the craft? No craft today. Just dance party. Oh. Great!
They’d clearly seen our struggles and ignored them. Oh. Given we’d already missed half an hour of the celebration I now requested they please turn the volume down.
“We can turn it down a bit, but this is a party“ I was told.
If a voice could have an eye-roll in its tone, this did. The volume was reduced from ear-blasting to merely unreasonably unbearable. My girl tried joining in for a round of limbo and statues but gave up the battle soon enough.
Am I crazy- I always thought the idea of birthday parties was for children to be involved and have a good time? Not today, Sunshine! Our visit had been stressful from the start and by blessed cake time was nearly over. I didn’t feel I had the right to take a stronger position with management because it was a new school friend’s day. Her mother was kind enough to later acknowledge our discomfort on their thank you note.
I would love someone to please explain to me why a business set up specifically to entice children to have a special fun time, does not actually care if a child is plainly struggling? Why would they not be concerned that a guest had been (literally and figuratively,) locked out of the party?
What would you do? I’d love your thoughts on this one.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Here’s why… they don’t care…
Business first.. you’re not the client…
I wish it was different, my eldest went to the first school disco and behaved just as you describe. Its four years latter and he has not been back for another.
And that’s how the quiet, nervy kids end up meeting each other and becoming the best of friends.
I had an anxiety attack as a kid at a school disco, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, so they stoned me up on Ventolin and let me sit outside… lights, darkness, noise, smoke machines yuck!
What an awful experience for you guys, poor Little Miss 5.5.
We have been to several parties like this, and have had similar reactions from little people visiting us for a party, some kids just find the noise and hype overwhelming. It’s hard to know the right thing to do, and I would guess this place has no clue, so they adopt the ‘soldier on’ method. If you will be going again and again, I’d ask for a private visit, and explain (nicely) how overwhelmed your daughter felt. Ask if they have a strategy for that and how it can be requested next time – a quiet room, position of helper… Sometimes we have to educate these places so by asking what their strategies are, you will make them stop and think, and maybe plan for them. Miss 5.5 cannot be the only child who has freaked out at their parties so they need so direction as to what they could have in place.. you never know, you just might find an ally for your family events if you approach them with solutions to a very tricky problem.
PS Very Loud music makes me feel sick in the tummy and I’m neurotypical 40 yrs old!
Thanks Lisa, I saw the birthday mum at school today and asked for the name of the organiser that day. I don’t know if she’s owner/manager or not. Either way I will gently approach management and let them know what happened. There’s no way I’d book a party with them after the way we were treated and they need to know why, or change.
I feel for you Twitchy. Some people just do not get it. My little guy is 5.5 as well but we haven’t had to negotiate something like this for a while. I avoided a few parties/events that I knew he wouldn’t cope with but he was still at an age where he didn’t really notice. He would notice now though…
One thing I use to help me work how to respond to things is whether I need to see this person/visit this place again. If not, I let it go as my time and energy is needed elsewhere. I would say in this case, you may need to visit this venue again AND your daughter needs to be able to feel comfortable socialising with her school friends. I would make a real effort to get to know her friends’ mums so you can talk with them about things when necessary and know whether you’ll have them on side IYKWIM. It wouldn’t spoil anyone’s fun to have had the music a bit quieter and if you know you can approach the mum in question, it might help. With regard to the venue, if I had the time/energy, I’d find out the owner’s name and write a letter expressing my disappointment in how things were handled, especially given your previous positive experience. Sometimes it can be worth the effort to attempt to educate people but sometimes not… Sigh…
Thank you Caz, that’s pretty much how I thought I might approach it. The venue is somewhere we’ll be going again. I don’t see how they could just choose to ignore a struggling child to that degree for no greater purpose, it’s neglectful and I will tell them so.
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