For any family or child, new beginnings can be daunting- especially new schools. Autism families know this even more so. Sometimes it can be a trial just getting them there, for smaller or greater reasons.
It’s been a big adjustment year for all of us. Both my children started new schools this year- Miss 5 atprimary school and her big brother Mr12 at Secondary. It’s taken until mid-year for my boy to feel as comfortable as he is now and despite a few social scrapes he is quite happy to go to school. But we do have our moments. Not just with stresses about school itself, but particularly with co-operation with the morning routine.
Despite knowing every single day that he has to:
• be fully dressed (that means jumper, socks and shoes TOO, Mr 12) before the TV can go on, I still find him watching while clad in one sock, undies, a shirt… (close enough, right?)
• Eat his breakfast
• Wash his face and brush his teeth before taking the lunchboxes and bags to the car (where he is then allowed his 3DS or iPad)
• Not even touch technology until all the above are done, YET
he manages to somehow manhandle his pc, 3DS and iPad all while not getting dressed, or eating, or brushing his teeth- Groundhog Day!
There can be hold-ups or meltdowns over small things. He often remembers something REALLY IMPORTANT and runs back inside as we are leaving. Sometimes he’s genuinely anxious and at the start of the year there were so many home days. Firmer at first about Secondary School rules, Mary the Attendance Officer knows us well by now and understands our situation. This helps everyone immensely. Being told “He’s in High School now” at first, is now replaced with “thank you for letting me know.”
Today I saw this tweet from another autism mother- yes!
Do you think it’s acceptable to write on the note to school “reason for absence: autism” ? Because… that was the reason.
— jillsmo (@jillsmo) September 13, 2012
On a better day, Mr12 may decide that ANYTHING is more important than getting to school on time, such as texting a friend. But guess what? He’s now only 2cm shorter than me and rock solid. I can no longer put him over my shoulder and fling him into his seat. When he decides to be obstinate, it’s effective. Trying not to scream out in frustration, all I can do now is repeat, bargain, breathe, step out of the room, come back and try again.
With the Secondary school closer to home, we drop the boy off first and get to his sister’s school by the bell most days. I don’t want to be filling out late slips because I’ve just been wrestling my eldest who won’t go with the flow. I don’t want his sister (or mother) being punished, or assumptions made that we can’t be bothered to make an effort. So at the start of the year I had a quick word to Miss 5’s class teacher and then to the Principal. We understand each other and it’s taken a load off. Especially as I solo parent often, there’s only so much of me to go around. How many people would understand that by the time we get to school, most of my hardest day’s physical and mental work is already done?
At my daughter’s school is another family I’ve noticed. They seem to always arrive on the bell too. The sweet girl with the black ringlets is also in her first year of primary school. Dad, in a suit and running late has that stressed look about him. It’s a look I know. He takes his darling girl inside, hangs up her bag, kisses her on the head and guides her to class as she chews her clothing. He doesn’t know me, but I wonder if he can ever sense my empathic wishes going out their way? I understand.
Do you have morning strategies? A school that understands periodic absences and late arrivals? Any tips to share?
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I recently did a parenting course that might help a little. One is to give him a choice between two reasonable options (if you choose to play your iPad before you are ready, I will lock it up for an hour after school, for example). So then he has that choice. Given that he’s older, you might have more luck with another technique – namely “Do you really want to hassle me with this?” Ingrain those exact words. Any time your child “hassles” you (aka wastes your time – whether by nagging, dragging their feet, etc) they have to make up the time. So in the morning, every minute you have to wait past the time you want to get in the car you time (make sure you have an actual timer, given how literal our ASD kids are). Your son would have to make up that time. So if he takes 5 minutes longer than is reasonable to get in the car, then that afternoon he might have to sit in the car for five minutes after school once you get home (but your 5 year old gets out). Or (even better) if he is visiting a friend or has soccer practise “right, we’re going to sit here for five minutes to make up the time you wasted this morning”. Basically, make it worth his while to not hassle you. I have an adult friend on the spectrum and she said that as a child the only thing that mattered to her was the impact on herself. She used her manners not to be polite, but because she got what she wanted faster. She responded appropriately (eventually) at social occasions because she got what she wanted if she did. So keep that in mind – why should your son be on time? How does it impact him? And if that impact isn’t enough, MAKE it enough!
Also, you could use natural consequences. “Oh, dear, we don’t have time to drop you off on the way now, you’ll have to be late.” Then go drop his sister off. It’s not her fault, she shouldn’t pay the price. He should. If he walks in 15 minutes late to his first class that’s too bad. Ideally there would be an in-school consequence for being late so that there’s a genuine penalty for being late (e.g. morning detention). It’s harsh, but again it comes back to him having a good reason to do it. And when he’s an adult he can’t very well turn up late to work, so you are doing him a favour.
At the end of the day, your son needs you. He needs you to clean his clothes, cook his dinner, drive him where he needs to be. But it’s YOUR time he’s using when you do those things for him. If he’s wasting your time, then he can wait. If he refuses to accept consequences, eventually he’ll need you and you can say “Sure, I’ll be happy to take you to your best friend’s birthday party … as soon as you clean your room, because that was the consequence you chose for behaviour X.” (Make sure he chooses consequences where possible – he’s less likely to rebel against a consequence he chose himself.)
I’ve got Mr7 and Mr5 on the spectrum. These techniques are new, but they are starting to respond to them. Good luck with whatever you do!
Wow. There’s a lot of tips to remember here. Thank you for taking the time to share it, I’ll be rereading again soon with interest.
“How many people would understand that by the time we get to school, most of my hardest day’s physical and mental work is already done?”
THIS!
So true. I feel like I’ve run a marathon by the time I get both girls to school.
So very accurate.
After wrestling my 8 year old into the car there’s nothing left in me for the rest of the day. I used to come home and go back to bed; forgetting housework and study, too hard!
I’m very worried about the day my boys grow past my height..
I know! Best we learn some techniques now
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